DEV:
Well, praise the Lord and suck my DICK! God has officially left the meeting. Dude, history lessons ought to come with trigger warnings — I can’t believe that I’ve been entertained by Black suffering for about a decade now. And to think I thought Kanye West was making me more progressive … I often find myself yearning to be 12 or 13, just to relive the moment when I bought AMG as a book at a store down the street from my parents’ house. I couldn’t drive yet, but Erlewine took me everywhere. Anyway, no hard feelings about that last message — I know that you’re going through some shit right now. I hope that you’re feeling better, man. I hope your success sends all of your acquaintances to therapy! And hey: Never be careless with a good pair of headphones. Keep it mighty tight, my brother!
TODD:
“One great big festering neon distraction.” Hey, ‘Nard, guess what? California became the whole world! Am I really a hipster just for thinking that this bullshit is always going to be bullshit? At any rate, I know that Fantano will carry the load of blase complaints ‘til the niche they police just implodes. Oh, good Lord, who this time? Man, cancel culture’s a cancer vulture — I fucking thrive on unfair power dynamics. Can’t say that too loudly or I’ll forever be banished to the “Comments” section. You know, it’s weird how these tiny acts of rebellion persist, even when I’m given freedom to teach the next generation lessons based on lists. I’d better get back to writing. Dear Thumia: I’m sorry for calling you the “C” word for … I’ve lost count of how many times at this juncture. My dick wrote you a mostly sincere and, I assume, will-be-promptly-discarded apology letter. I’ve started following the hashtag “macromastia” — nasty, huh? Your assumption was indeed correct: I briefly perused through your OnlyFans thread after consummating our 80th marriage in my head. Oh, Thumie … I may still love you more than me, but, who knows? I just may yet make you Mary Kelley. I know what you’re thinking, because it’s exactly what I’m thinking: “You’re so cute when you think you’re in control!” What time is it? Oh fuck, was this a butt dial? FUCK. GODDAMN IT! SHIT!!!
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